Pretending
by potnoodle
Summary: [Oneshot. YukinaKuwabara.] Is it really so bad to keep on pretending if it's to spare someone else's feelings?


Pretending 

Disclaimer: Not mine, will return.

"She's so sweet, so innocent," they all said. They didn't really know anything. Koenma had told her once that she had restored his faith in demonkind and she'd smiled and blushed because that was what they expected of her.

It was too late to change her image – she didn't have the heart to watch their faces fall.

And she'd been pretending for such a long time. Ever since they'd told her what happened to her mother. She remembered the circle of morose, colourless faces watching her, waiting her to snap, break down, go crazy. She wasn't normal after all, with those eyes, coming from _that_ family. So they stared and Yukina felt their eyes on her and the weight of their expectations dragging her down.

_Nothing good could've come from sharing a womb with that thing. She's been tainted already. It's inevitable._

There was only option left. Yukina smiled.

By the time she'd left the land of ice, the smile and everything that came with it had become habit.

She'd never meant to hurt anyone by it. But who could've predicted that Kuwabara would turn up? He was the true innocent, the one to whom goodness came naturally. Worst of all he loved Yukina, believing her to be the same as him. She told herself she was faking for his sake, protecting his unshaken belief in basic kindness. But in the end, everyone wants to be loved.

Luckily her 'innocence' was a good way to put him off. She could use her cluelessness as a mask. While he confessed his feelings over and over, Yukina acted more wide-eyed and confused until he retreated, bewildered and a little hurt.

Better than the alternative. Better innocent than shunned.

Still he persisted (the fool) with his flowers and good intentions, appearing not to realise that she was off limits. _Can't you see that I'm an iceberg! _Yukina wanted to scream_. There are depths to me that would break apart your misplaced faith and sink it in seconds if I let you get too close._

Then he got clever and came up with something she couldn't pretend to misunderstand. He explained it to her so carefully.

"Yukina, I don't know how to put it more plainly. I love you. Will you marry me? It's a human thing, I think, where I give you a ring and you give me one and then we say a few words and-"

"I know what marriage is." Kuwabara stopped in full swing, surprised and a little worried by the way her eyes had hardened. "Kuwabara, I know you love me." And his eyes lit up wildly, refusing to hear the harsh tone in her voice.

"So you do get it! That's … that's WONDERFUL! Now we can-"

"But it's not possible."

"We can, we can get Shizuru – no Keiko – that's it, Keiko can write the invitations, and Shizuru, Shizuru can organise the catering and – what? Why?" It was terrible to watch his brain catch up with his mouth and his face, as easy to read as a children's picture book, showed confusion and dismay and then crushing realisation.

"Oh. Of course. I see," was all he said.

"You do?" Yukina tried to keep the incredulity out of her voice.

_He knows? Surely not._

"Yes. I – should've seen it before. I'm sorry for troubling you all this time."

_So this is what kicking a puppy feels like_, thought Yukina.

The puppy was giving her a dejected look. "But why didn't you tell me before? I mean, I know you didn't want to hurt my feelings or anything, but it's ok." His face said the opposite, that it would never in a million years be alright. "You can't help not loving me back."

"What? No! I do love you, Kuwabara."

"You do? Then what on earth is the problem?"

It felt to Yukina like they had been having separate conversations.

"I thought you'd worked it out. I'm not the girl you think I am – the sweet, kind Yukina? I made her up. I faked it to hide the horrible person I am inside." Kuwabara was gazing at her open-mouthed. She felt a sort of sickening relief.

"So … you knew what I was talking about when …?"

"Yes! I'm not clueless."

"And when Elder Toguro said he'd kill us and you asked if it was true?"

"It was a rhetorical question."

Kuwabara's brow creased, trying to work it all out, how all those wide-eyed looks and blushing had been faked. Finally he straightened up, looking decisive.

"No. I'm sorry Yukina, but even if you were pretending to be clueless, I can't see how that made you a bad person."

"I – I lied to you all."

"But I get it. You didn't want to shock us or upset us. That's being considerate, not evil."

"No! You don't get it! I am bad!"

"Prove it." His voice was surprisingly steady.

"I … when they told me my mother killed herself, do you know how I felt?" He shook his head dumbly, "I hated her! I hated her for leaving me all by myself in that cold world. That's how selfish I was. I hated her and everything in that land. They're all so gutless." She spoke quietly, turning her crimson eyes towards the ground and twisting her sash between her fingers.

"That's why I left to look for my brother. I thought he may understand my feelings, being full of fire and anger. And now I think I've found him, but he's just as noble as the rest of you underneath." Pale stones glittered and pinged dully off the wooden floor. "I spent all this time pretending to be nice and now, now-"

"Now you really have become a good person," Kuwabara replied gently, tilting her chin upwards. Searching for a trace of horror and dislike in his eyes, Yukina could only find warmth.

"You've done kind things so often now that it's become second nature, hasn't it? You've grown to love things and you said you loved me too. Everyone has bad thoughts, Yukina."

"You don't," she muttered.

"That's just because I'm the amazing and perfect Kuwabara," he joked weakly, before turning serious again. "Not everyone can be pure in thought as well as deed. But I think it takes the greater strength to think terrible thoughts and prevent yourself from inflicting them on other people. I never realised you were that strong, Yukina. So I'm sorry."

"And you don't think I'm evil?"

"After all those times you saved my life with your awesome healing powers? Yukina, I love you and you rock. I don't know who you're trying to kid with your 'I'm mean' act right now, but it doesn't fool me." To prove his point, Kuwabara gathered her up in a careful bear hug and smiled in happy surprise when she hugged him back, hard. This was going to take some getting used to.

A/N: agh fluff overkill. I tried not to make this too incredibly sappy and failed miserably because Kuwabara/Yukina seems to be sap by definition. Heh. Comments and criticisms much appreciated … I'm really unsure about this one. :S


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